this day.

There are some days where you just wake up and you immediately know something isn't quite right. Physically, emotionally, everything in you is telling you today is not a good day before it even starts.

That is how I woke up today. It was like I found myself in tears for no apparent reason. I could have started crying without an explanation and that is exactly what I did. There is nothing that I can say to describe what I am feeling but it is there and it is alive.

So somehow it is like I have to put on my crash helmet and embrace whatever the day will bring. And mostly try to stay away from people because anything could come out of my mouth that I know I would regret later.

this is how i feel today.

ww2 reunion

This past week I experienced something that is so hard for me to put into words. First I must say that I had 8 girls and 4 babies in my 2 bedroom duplex. These ladies are my dearest friends from college and it is amazing for me to see where we are all in life. Some are wives, some are single, some are mothers, some are career driven while others stay at home with their children. Some have more freedom and some more tied down . We are vastly different and find ourselves spread across the nation. We represent 6 states: Illinois, California, Florida, Iowa, Kentucky and Missouri.

It is with this diverse makeup of this group that is so special. And though time and distance keeps us separated, somehow when we all gather, it just feels right. If one is missing, we aren't exactly quite complete. (We missed you tiffany). I find I am the person in the group that kind of gets lost in the crowd. It is because of my personality that I seem to withdraw and disengage but in actuality I am simply soaking everything in through all my senses. It is always tricky for me because somehow I have to find ways to pull each person aside to really spend quality time with them. I so desire to hear their stories of life that they have experienced without me.

It is amazing to see how far we have all come. We have shared the highs, the lows and everything in between. I know that at any moment, if I truly needed these girls, they would be there in a heartbeat. It is the simplicity of our love and friendship that I truly cherish. We truly love each other and are always amazed to see God's favor upon our friendship. Who would have thought when we first stepped into the halls of Woodworth Two in August of 2000; that we would find a deep connection that would forever bind us together?

So to you, Jessica, Sarah, Diana, Shantelle, Kerri, Kristen, Jessi, and Tiffany....I love you and find my life here on this earth a richer place because you are a part of it.

Into the Wild

I finally watched the movie, Into the Wild. There is a part of me that is like I can totally relate with him. I get so tired of the ways of this world. So often I find myself so frustrated with the hypocrites that surround me daily. The thought of giving everything up and living extremely simple sounds so romantic. I admire his bravery and conviction to follow through with his passion and beliefs.

Then there is also a part of me where I find him extremely selfish. Selfish for not trying to reconcile his broken relationships with his family. I have had my fair share of family issues and there was a time that I ran away and wanted little to do with them. But in order to not be in bondage from the anger and hurt, I had to face my issues head on as painful as it might have been. There is a time for forgiveness and healing.

Ultimately it seems that was what this journey was about for him. And maybe if he lived; he would have fully experienced the beauty that can be found in pain. He may have made peace with himself but did he with his family? A part of the healing process is working through the pain communally not just individually. I can only imagine the unresolved issues the family has experienced and the pain knowing that they will never be able to experience complete healing. There is something powerful about healing that brings freedom and grace.

Ron Franz said it best in the movie, "When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines upon you."